i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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