you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
You pole danced in your parka.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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