oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
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