You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
