see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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