I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
