My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
