theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
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