rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
