It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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