I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
