I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I would fuck him just for his dog
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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