Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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