I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
We left an ass print on the piano.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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