Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
