someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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