FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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