the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
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I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
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I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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