Where is the hickey?
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
if only i could text you this smell
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I party with great urgency now.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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