I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
