Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
