If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
My ATM looks so different sober.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I know her cup size but not her name....
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