dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
