Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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