Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
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the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
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Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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