I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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