So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
