I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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