Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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