I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
