i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
