I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
