I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
