Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Randomize
