oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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