he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
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