someone threw a dead crab at me
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
