Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
