life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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