Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Randomize
