so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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