So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
