It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
