Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
