I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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