i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
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i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
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woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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