No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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