i already hear my dad disowning me
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
