my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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