I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
