New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
