So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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