I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
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Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
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Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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